…or rather a probable lifelong struggle for me.
Allow me to give you some context on how this is currently affecting me. Being the 3rd string goalkeeper on a college soccer team it is definitely a challenge I’m faced with everyday. Yet, never more than when the majority of my team gets to travel to an away game and I am stuck at home. Then people always ask why I am not traveling, to which I must reply “I didn’t make the travel squad.” At this point you either don’t really care, or you are somehow relating this to your life. Allow me to give you some perspective. Think of something that you put all of your time and energy into. You wake up and your body is spent. You go to sleep and you’re emotionally and sometimes spiritually drained. And then when you would ‘reap the supposed benefits’ there is no gain left for you. Yes. This sounds like an incredibly crappy experience. Welcome to my current life situation.
However, the purpose of this post is not to whine about how the world should feel sympathy for me. But this is making everyday harder and harder to find joy. I think I might actually be getting mildly depressed about soccer, which is not good. Every time i don’t get to travel, it’s like the wound is opened again and it hurts. There’s nothing I want more than to be with my team and at least cheer them on and experience the highs and lows of this season together. It makes me feel so distant from the team I pour my heart into.
So I have probably struggled with this feeling of inadequacy since I was bullied in 6th grade and it crushed my self-worth. Ever since I started following Christ He’s been trying to rebuild that. Right now I feel Him reaching into my deepest hurts and filling them with love. I’m probably not where I should be spiritually, and I’m pretty sure that much of what I’m feeling is against what God has promised me. But it is only in our rawness and realness that God can fully meet us. Therefore, I am currently undergoing an incredibly intrusive heart examination by the Father of Lights. Yet, in all my hurt, I find that I just want to love these girls more. My humanity wants to give up, but my spirit feels that it can go on.
Here’s to another hard day. Another battle with feeling less than good enough. Another day of tears shed. Another day where He spoke life into my deep wounds.
Here’s something I read today from The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen:
“What is your pain? It is the experience of not receiving what you most need. It is the place of emptiness where you feel sharply the absence of the love you most desire. To go back to that place is hard, because you are confronted there with your wounds as well as with your powerlessness to heal yourself…You have to begin to trust that your experience of emptiness is not the final experience, that beyond it is a place where you are being held in love.”
And He is holding me.
-A World Changer