As the song says:
I want to learn how to love
Not just the feeling
bear all the consequences
And I want to learn how to love,
And give it all back,
And be forgiven for all I’ve done.
I’ve realized this last semester, or year rather, I haven’t been the most loving person. But in this I’ve also realized that I am desperately frightened to love another broken person and present my broken self to them likewise.
Sure, I have a few close friends, but I have not even been reaching out and encouraging them like I usually do, let alone the community that God has placed around me. This is because almost a year ago I had some really important people choose to walk out of my life, to ignore me, to pursue other passions besides Christ. And I have unintentionally been harboring that hurt ever since…Because loving fallen humanity is hard and your heart will receive bruises.
It is a costant dichotomy of wanting to wade in the loneliness of my soul and striving to create an authentic community. It’s sometimes acting like the pain didn’t run that deep and ignoring the emotional ache that fades more and more with time, but I fear it will never be completely gone. See, friends are kind of an ususal concept because some stay and some go, but all are ultimately temporary in the grand scheme of eternity. And with both their coming and going, they are meant to point you towards Christ.
So yes, it is extremely difficult when a friend willingly walks out of your life, but what a beautiful thing it is to find Christ in the midst of it all.
I want to learn to love others again and make them smile, to aid them in their discovery of identity in the Savior of the world. I want to love people because they are worthy of love and I desire to be used by my Creator.
At some point, I will reach the end of my life and it is likely that I will have some loose ends, but in the grand scheme of enternity, they will find their knot.