I seem to be blogging more than usual, possibly because writing out my thoughts and feelings gives me a bit of catharsis.
Today I went for a long walk. During the lunch break in my class I decided that I was going to walk to a nearby park and just spend time processing as I walked. I slipped my boots in the mud and dug my hands into the ice and threw snowballs at trees. The time it takes to walk around a small lake is the exact amount of time it takes to connect your head to your heart.
Yesterday, I had to finally let go of a friendship that actually ended in March of last year (or thereabouts). I believe I have done a great deal of hard things in my life, but this may have been one of the most difficult. Furthermore, I had to understand how it feels when a friend chooses to leave you. It feels horrible. It makes you feel as if you are not worth friendship. It makes you feel utterly broken inside because there is nothing you can do to get that person back. It is emotionally draining, for with every new attempt of reconciliation, there is an even greater hurt when none occurs.
But I find it most difficult to realize who it is I lost. I lost the one who had deep conversations with me before bed. I lost the one which no question was out of line. I lost she who knew my story and accepted me, as I did for her. I lost someone who was a truly caring individual and knew how I operated and met me in such a way that can only occur when you’re roommates for someone for 2 years. And I fear that I will never have that a friendship again.
It’s not that I don’t currently have deep, enduring friendships, but I no longer have this one. It is something special when you can see someone’s scars, do ministry beside them, and laugh about the things that once filled you with shame and made you cry.
But it’s not healthy to hold on so tightly to the things that are dead.
I am pretty sure I cried by this same lake about this same friendship a few months ago. It is rare that I let myself experience the deep hurt that recurred with every time she cancelled our hangouts, while investing hours in others, not being able to make 10 minutes for me. It seems terribly needy to actually ask something of those you call friends, but I don’t think what I asked was unjustified.
But I am terrible at asking for things. These past few months I have been terrible at asking for the things I need, like a hug, or a coffee date, or just a conversation. I am terrible for asking what I need because I would hate to be the needy friend. I would hate to actually give people a reason to leave me this time.
A couple days ago I did something a little bit strange–I asked someone to be my firend. Maybe it’s because I wanted to be worthy of a new friendship. Maybe it’s because I know that I have recently been terrible at making friends. But mostly, I believe that it is because I want the people I value to be called friends. But in that moment, I made myself vulnerable to another person again and I ended up with a friend.
Whatever the cost, I believe it was all worth it.
Whisper to me ever softly
Singing birds we cannot see
Let me stay inside your garden
Remember only what it has beenAll, all remains
All, all remains