The battle rages on deep down within me
My flesh pulls one way
Your will pulls the other
This battle must be won
And it’s mine to fight
You know I long to be victorious
Satan is scrappy and crafty. He will not back down without a fight. This is especially true with something as identity-driven as sexuality. Meanwhile, Christ is awaiting to bring beautiful, victorious redemption. Yet, even so, we must be willing to bring ourselves to Jesus, to be the woman with all her sinful earnings in a perfume box, breaking it at his feet and washing his feet with our tears, wiping them with our hair, boldly coming into a place where we are not seen as holy by the many. Still, it is the holiest place to be with the one in whom we are known completely. Honestly, that’s a hard place to be, although it is beautiful nonetheless.
But authenticity wasn’t my first response.
The easiest thing for me to do was play ostrich and bury my head in the sand, accepting the new identity in Christ without acknowledging the old identity filled with confusion and destruction. There was no room for God to redeem because I held on so tightly to my secrets that not even the light of Christ could reach into them. I then proceeded to shamefully hide this piece of my past. Shame is just a tool of the enemy. I felt I had to shut off the part of me that was a sexual being.
I had not yet conquered anything because I had not done battle with Satan. Even though we are more than conquerors in Christ (Romans 8:31-39), I felt less than, insecure, and unloved in this broken area of my life; I was trying hard to administer strict behavior modification and take every thought captive but it just lead to trying harder. It was an endless cycle of trying to fit in and not show any signs that I was “different.” This was and is not God’s heart. He desires redemption.
Yet, I refused to have this necessary conversation with God asking what he wanted to do with such a “not church appropriate” part of my story. It wasn’t until I was in college and found Satan attacking fiercely in this area, that I began to slowly open my heart to the Father, and not just know my identity in Christ, but actually experience it. It was only then that he was able to provide healing–in a place of honesty and real vulnerability.
It was only then that I could truly wage war on Satan.
-A World CHanger