I Don’t Know Exactly What I’m Doing

It’s Thanksgiving…And as a senior in college, I find the ever looming future hovering like a cloud above my head.  There are about a thousand options before me and routes I can take to steward the time between the end of my undergrad and when I begin grad school (hopefully August of 2017).  I have my program all picked out and I have already started contemplating the potential degrees after my masters degree.

All the while, I’m having this fierce wrestling match with God about my perfectly crafted timeline.  There were few times in the past that I knew for certain I was right where God wanted me: Costa Rica, Cambodia, among many other ordinary places made extraordinary with Christ.

But right now, I just want to graduate, maybe lead a mission trip, work for the better part of a year and save up money for grad school.  I just want to be in the states for awhile and stick to my plan so that I can fulfill his plans.  It’s pretty simple.

However, I am learning that He is not simple. He is complex in every way.  His train of his robes fills the temple and his glory is above the heavens.  As much as I try not to, it is always my greatest temptation to put God in a box–a box that only constitutes my specific means and plans.  As much as I try not to, I find it difficult to rely fully on him.  As much as I try not to, I always think my plans are foolproof and I get upset when he changes the course.

I get angry when his response is, “What’s the hurry?”  I’m realizing the Lord just wants to walk with me while I want to sprint ahead and meet him where I think he’ll be waiting.  I’m still learning to listen to the still small voice.  I’m learning to trust his leading.  I’m learning that everything will not make sense to me.  I’m learning that faith in action is trust; the kind of nonsensical trust that leads a strategic planner to say “Your will be done.”

Hold my hand and walk with me ’til my pilgrim days are done

-A World Changer


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