The God That Breaks Me

Hallelujah and Amen.

I praise you and I stand in agreement with your will.

A few months ago (what seemed like a lifetime ago) I stepped foot on Kids Across America kamp for the first time ever. And in that next week and a half God would begin a process, one that I still have only waded knee deep in.

He is breaking me of my insecurity.

One night at staff training we had a powerful night of worship and the word. It was there that the Lord revealed to me that I had some major issues with insecurity.  I thought I had already conquered them, but knowing your identity in Christ and living without seeking any sort of approval are two different things.

The former I was confident in; the latter is where He wanted to work on my heart.

I spent the night in tears at the weight of my own insecurity, but that was just the beginning.

To be honest, I left that place naively thinking that would be it. I even got a nice little heart charm the next day that says “promise kept,” reminding myself that I’m not allowed to live out of insecurity any longer.

But the Lord had other plans.

I spent much of my summer wrestling through the state of black America, the Syrian refugee crisis, and my calling.

However, as soon as I stepped foot back on KAA five weeks later, my insecurity was awaiting me.

My first week frustrated me to no end. Week 2 brought with it the awareness of my insecurity. Monday of week 3 I was hit with a basketball and I got concussion #6 (which I was terrified of getting another one). This meant that that next 2-3 weeks was spent fighting off headaches daily, taking Tylenol regularly, taking breaks often, and ultimately making it all the more difficult to do my job. Week 4 I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders with 13 girls and more to do than I had the other 3 weeks.

And then week 5 broke me.

Tuesday I battled with the deep wounds of being overlooked, forgotten, and utterly less than. I asked the Lord truth filled questions like, ‘where is the balance between understanding than humans will always fall short and expecting people to actually come through for you?’ I’m still figuring out those answers.

Thursday I was filled with anger. It reminded me of God’s sovereignty over man’s decision, trusting that he is greater than anything we could ever do.

Friday I felt the heart-wrenching pain of betrayal, the feeling of broken trust, manipulation, and total neglect for my emotions.

Throughout my 5 weeks working at Kamp, I was on a complete emotional rollercoaster. It wasn’t until I was completely shattered that I realized how much I need the Lord.

When He is the only thing that I can rely on to get me through the day–when he is my only constant–my insecurity begins to bow it’s knee to the King of Kings.

Even now,  as I leave for 3 months to lead a mission trip to Nicaragua, insecurity is rearing it’s ugly head.

But God is so much greater.

I’m thankful for the God who breaks me in order to build what fear cannot–trust.

Pray for me as I let these truths cleanse the deep wounds of my insecurity.

Hallelujah and Amen.

Psalm 91:1-2

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

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